When my brother Alex first told me he couldn’t get out of bed for three days straight, I didn’t know what to say. We’d grown up in the same household in East Vancouver, shared the same parents and similar life experiences. Yet somehow, depression had found him while passing me by. That conversation happened nearly seven years ago, but I still remember my fumbling response: “Maybe you just need more vitamin D?”
Looking back, I cringe at my well-intentioned but woefully inadequate reaction. As someone who spends her days researching complex social issues, I should have known better. But that moment taught me something crucial—when it comes to supporting those we love through mental health challenges, most of us are learning as we go.
“The instinct to fix or solve someone’s mental health struggle is incredibly common,” says Dr. Samir Parikh, a clinical psychologist with Vancouver Coastal Health. “But what people need most isn’t solutions—it’s presence, validation, and the knowledge that they’re not facing their challenges alone.”
According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, one in five Canadians experiences a mental health problem in any given year. This means virtually all of us will, at some point, find ourselves supporting someone we care about through a mental health challenge—whether it’s depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, or another condition.
When Jessie Cardinal’s teenage daughter began experiencing panic attacks two years ago, the Prince George mother felt completely unprepared. “I kept telling her to breathe, to calm down, that everything would be okay,” Cardinal recalls. “I didn’t realize that in panic, the brain interprets those reassurances as dismissals.”
Cardinal eventually found support through a parent group at her local community center, where she learned more effective approaches. “The biggest lesson was learning to validate her experience without trying to change it. Saying things like ‘I can see you’re really anxious right now’ and ‘I’m here with you through this’ made such a difference.”
This approach aligns with what mental health professionals call the “listen-validate-support” framework. Dr. Claire McWilliams from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health explains: “Our natural inclination when someone is suffering is to cheer them up or problem-solve. But often, the most powerful thing we can do is simply acknowledge their pain without trying to fix it.”
For Darryl Amos, a fishing guide from Alert Bay, supporting his wife through seasonal affective disorder has been a years-long journey of learning and unlearning. “I used to think my job was to make her happy, to pull her out of the dark places,” he says. “It took me a long time to understand that sometimes, the best support I can offer is just sitting with her in that darkness, letting her know she’s not alone there.”
Mental Health First Aid Canada, a program that teaches Canadians how to recognize and respond to mental health crises, emphasizes that support doesn’t require specialized training. Their research shows that non-judgmental listening can be as effective as many professional interventions for mild to moderate distress.
“The biggest gift you can give someone struggling with their mental health is to create a space where they don’t have to pretend they’re okay,” says Indigenous youth counselor Marnie Thompson, who works with communities across northern BC. “In many Indigenous teachings, sitting with someone in their pain—not trying to take it away—is seen as the deepest form of respect.”
Thompson notes that different cultural backgrounds may shape how mental health challenges are expressed and what kinds of support feel appropriate. “In some communities, support might look like practical help—bringing food, helping with children, or including someone in everyday activities without requiring them to talk about their feelings.”
For those supporting loved ones through serious mental illness, the journey can be especially challenging. Vancouver-based support group Families for Mental Health provides resources for those caring for people with conditions like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or severe depression.
“Supporting someone with a serious mental illness requires a delicate balance,” says group facilitator Elena Janssen. “You need to respect their autonomy while sometimes helping them access professional care they might resist in moments of crisis.”
Janssen emphasizes that supporters need support too. “Caregiver burnout is real. We encourage people to maintain their own social connections, hobbies, and rest—supporting someone else’s mental health shouldn’t come at the expense of your own.”
This resonates with my own experience supporting my brother. In the years since his first depression, I’ve learned that my role isn’t to solve his mental health challenges but to walk alongside him through them. Sometimes that means regular check-in texts or driving him to therapy appointments. Other times, it’s simply remembering his birthday when he’s too overwhelmed to celebrate it himself.
Last month, when he called to tell me he was feeling the familiar weight of depression returning, I didn’t jump to solutions. Instead, I said, “That sounds really hard. I’m here with you, whatever you need.” The silence that followed wasn’t empty—it was filled with the quiet understanding that comes from years of learning how to truly be there for someone.
The Canadian Mental Health Association offers this simple reminder for anyone supporting a loved one through mental health challenges: “You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present.”
As our understanding of mental health continues to evolve, so too does our capacity to support each other through life’s darkest moments—not as fixers or saviors, but as companions on the journey.
